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hey this is Leo for actualised org and in this video I'm going to talk about stress management all right let's talk about how to manage your stress stress management Wow I mean so many of us are stressed these days and we're stressed about all sorts of things how do we bring that stress under control wouldn't it be nice to create a life that is stress-free that gives you peace of mind and a stability and a equanimity equanimity meaning calmness of mind evenness of mind that can last out throughout the whole day no matter what happens no matter what the circumstances are you can still remain calm how do we go about creating that let's actually dig in and take a look at what stress really is how its created what areas in your life are most affected by it and then give you some solutions for how to tackle this problem at the root at the core all right so stress I mean none of us like to feel stressed but so many of us today are overwhelmed for various reasons either relationships have a stressed or Money has a stressed or lack of time and work has a stressed or other areas in our lives but those three I would say are the pillars but let's take a look let's take a look at what stress is what is going on when you're stressed well it's a chemical response isn't it it's a series of emotional responses within your body but also a series of thoughts that are going on at the same time that's ultimately what stress is if you actually do in an introspection into your own consciousness when you are stressed and you just observe yourself that's what you going to find is you're going to find that you have thoughts that are coming up and you're going to have emotions that are coming up and probably those two are going to be intermingling together and that intermingling is is fairly complex so your thoughts will be creating negative emotions and then your negative emotions will also be creating negative thoughts and it creates this downward negative Erol where these two forces kind of feed into each other and they create this perfect storm this perfect storm of in your mind which then gets you all anxious and stressed out about whatever it is that you're stressed out about so that's what's going on now it's important to wonder is stress an internal condition or is it an external condition where is it going on really think about this don't listen to what you've been told in popular culture or what you've read it some book or what some guru told you listen to yourself listen to your own experience your own consciousness when you are stressed is that because your life is going to hell externally you're not getting what you want out there and that's why your life is stressful or is your life stressful because of what's going on in here well if you do some introspection and you do it very honestly with yourself what you're going to find is that even though it seems like the problem is out there in the external world actually the problem is in here the stress is coming up and being created in here it's always operating on the inside right in your internal reality not in the external reality and so this being the case it's important because some people will will project the problem out into the external world that's our gut reaction that's what we do is we tend to say well you know that person she's got me stressed my boss he's got me stressed or my kids have me stressed out to hell or the lack of money that I have I can't pay the bills that's stressing me out my business problems bad clients stuff going wrong legal issues that's stressing me out externals see the problem with that is that if if you project everything out there then you're really leaving yourself powerless you're a victim in this situation you're not taking responsibility if you don't take responsibility I mean you can choose to do that but then you're going to you're going to stay stuck in the situation and you're going to let things keep stressing you out and that's probably one of the reasons why you're so overwhelmed right now if you are if you're very stressed right now in your life and you're watching this video hoping for some relief well the first thing I got to tell you is that probably the reason you're so stressed is because you're blaming everything outside of you for your stress right now that doesn't mean that certain situations aren't inherently more stress causing than others but still like look at this one person will go into a work situation and have the boss yell at them and he'll be completely stressed or maybe he has a presentation that has to get to the company and he'll just be stressed out of his mind he won't sleep that whole night he'll worry he'll wake up in the morning he'll have problem he'll run to the bathroom couple times because his stomach is upset and he won't be able to eat and by the time he gets to work he's such a nervous wreck he's biting his nails and all this is going on right so he's getting stressed because of the presentation that he has to give to his boss and to the company so that's one person but you can also take another person put him in the exact same situation and he will sleep like a baby he won't even think about the presentation and he'll just walk in there and he'll do whatever he needs to do so what's the difference there the difference is not the situation it's the same situation the same boss the exact same company the exact same presentation that needs to be given the exact same stakes are on the line maybe millions of dollars are on the line but one person will be a nervous wreck another person will be completely calm cool and a cucumber what's the difference well the difference is what's going on here right it's about the attitudes it's also about the experiences that you cultivate it's the self mastery that you have it's the emotional control that you can develop its various techniques that you might have to manage your stress it's the way that you're thinking very very critical the way that you're thinking so the way a calm person thinks is very different than the way anxious person thinks their thought patterns are completely different their view of life is completely different their visualization of situations is very different so it's important start to recognize this right and this is not some contrived situation you can even do this little experiment with your own self so you might say well Leo how can you compare two people I mean sure one person he just might be maybe he grew up better maybe his his father didn't beat him and this person he grew up with a shitty childhood and of course he stressed so isn't that it's not natural but look you can do it with yourself find a situation in life that used to stress you out like hell but now if you put yourself back into that same situation it's going to be like wow you're going to you're going to laugh you're honestly going to laugh because you're going to be back in that situation and it's going to be laughable to you that you were ever stressed about it I mean think of a situation like that maybe it's a first date do you remember how nervous you were when you were dating for the first time or the first few times every time you sat down you're so nervous with that that girl with that boy now when you do it if you've dated you know dozens of people now you do it and it's like it's like nothing you don't even think about it do you remember the first time that you ever wrote an email how stressed out you were about writing an email just like a simple email you might sit for at the computer typing up an email to some you know some company or maybe some resume that you're sending out and maybe this is the first time that you started using the computer and using using email you did that and like you would spend 60 minutes you would spend 90 minutes crafting an email and it was just a four line email how stressed and nervous you were about that now what does it take you to to write an email you just bam shoot it off you don't even think about it it's full of typos inside you don't care see what what changed in those situations what changed was your psychology changed your experiences developed you matured you developed some self-control you also develop detachment from that situation and you became at ease and so you're not stressed by it anymore so all that's showing you is that it's internal right I need to prove to you that it's internal you need to prove it to yourself because as long as you believe it's out there you're always going to be a you're always gonna be a victim you're all going to be stuck so that's a very important distinction it seems external very very deceptive think and look at how deceptive your mind is here alright so common sources of stress I would say they are the following money lack of time and relationship problems this is the mud these these three are the mother of all stresses and what I want to do here is I want to give you some some practical things you can do to start to fix stress in each one of these situations because I coach a lot of people that will come to me with stress around one of these areas and then we do a lot of coaching and invariably stuff tends to happen and I see kind of the actions that people start to take and so you start to see kind of patterns emerge so these are some of the patterns that I've seen emerge now ultimately because we have been talking about the inner outer world distinction here and we've been talking about the fact that stress is internal ultimately to deal with stress on a long-term basis then you need to start to cultivate more positive attitude start to drop the negative thinking do things like that and the best way to do that is to do deep personal development all the videos and I'm releasing to you guys I have a lot of videos that talk about the inner psychology of things right so definitely start to check those out and start to learn from those but here's something a little more practical a little more immediate more like action based so money a lot of people are stressed over money they don't have enough of it they're fighting for it they're struggling with it they can't pay the bills etc etc etc how do you overcome this stress look ultimately I am about fixing your life so I master my internals and then I master my externals as well and sometimes it goes the other way around where I'm asked for my externals first and then the internals will come up to it you know I'll develop that over time because sometimes the internals take a little bit longer to develop so for example the action that you should be taking with your money if you're having money problems at your job what's the solution it's obvious you know it but you don't want to take responsibility but what is it get a better job alright do what it takes do the hard work it takes to get a better job to earn more money get an education go get some extra training go send out 20 resumes go spend a couple hours polishing up your resume go get some recommendations so that your resume looks better build a portfolio you know whatever you got to do get a better job the money then is not a problem it's a kind of stress you anymore it's not going to be the end of your stress but it's going to be a solution to this nagging stress and this nagging external circumstance that you're having all the time which is a job that maybe is paying you little so you're always struggling so fix that don't ignore it fix it okay the next one is lack of time so many else are strapped for time we feel like we need more than 24 hours in a day to get everything done and our work and our boss is driving us nuts so how do we deal with this here's the ultimate solution the ultimate solution is you got to slow down all right you might be taking on too much stuff slow down look for ways to slow down I'm not saying this in some nebulous way I'm saying it very practically look for ways to slow yourself down look for ways to reduce your task list talk to your boss ask them if you can do less because you're feeling overwhelmed if you're working for yourself and you're self-employed and you've got this whole laundry list of things that you should have done two years ago and you're catching up for it look start cutting stuff back you have to start slowing down cutting stuff back giving yourself more time more room to grow in your life a lot of times we want to accomplish everything in six months all our goals in six months it doesn't work that way what you'll usually find is that in those six months you'll accomplish only a small percentage of your goals and then you'll even build up more goals so now you've got the goals that you didn't do plus the new goals that you've created so now you've got even more to do so it's more and more and more and more you got to start to slow down give yourself more time be more patient with the whole process and you guys should be very very ruthless with your cutting you have to be very ruthless editor of your own life start cutting out the stuff that is not essential to your life I have another video called time management you might want to search for that which covers that topic really well about how to get more time in your schedule right and you want to focus you want to pick one task that you have on your list and focus on it don't worry about the whole list looking at that whole list just making you more and more stressed you got to focus in right that's what's creating overwhelm for you is when you're not focused and you're distracted and you feel like you have to just like touch one thing then touch another thing to touch another thing not get anything done do everything half-ass it's making you feel bad it's making you feel miserable about the quality of work you're putting out and basically what it's doing is it's May you multitask and as you're multitasking you're driving yourself nuts you're driving yourself frantic and stressed you want a single task focus on a single task get that task accomplished that move on to the next one and do it at a pace where you're comfortable where you're it's sustainable you can sustain that over a long period of time and put into place whatever circumstance you need in your life to do that okay the next one is relationships this is such a big one this one has even further sub components to it so relationships I would say that there are three sub components of relationships people have stress in relationships in the following areas with family people have massive stress with their intimate relationships with their girlfriend their boyfriend or their spouse in a marriage and then people have tension at work coworkers or boss employee relationships or business partners so these are the three areas of relationships where you could be having massive stress so let's take a look at each one of those and give you some options about what kind of actions he could be taking ultimately the mother of all solutions for relationships are the following make sure that you're not doing this number one stop blaming other people for your relationship problems this is this is so difficult to admit to yourself but you have to admit to yourself and take responsibility for all your bad stressful relationships you are responsible for them that doesn't mean the other person isn't doing something they should be doing but that means that you are responsible you are responsible for being in that situation you're responsible for putting yourself in that situation you're responsible for allowing that situation to continue I'm not blaming you I'm saying you're responsible I'm saying you have control over the situation of power there do not make yourself a victim by blaming the other person this applies to family this applies to intimate relationships supplies to quarters I don't care how bad it is I don't care if you're your wife or your husband is abusing you I don't care if someone in your family is abusing you or if you're really getting mistreated at work it doesn't matter that's irrelevant what matters that you take responsibility the reason that you keep getting mistreated and keep maybe even getting physically abused is because you fall into this victim mode and you blame the other person that that blame game has to stop so that's number one number is that you have to stop trying to control people that's the other huge mistake people make is they try to control other people look you can control yourself you can control external circumstances in your life you know you can set up a nice house and you can build a nice garden and you can start a family but you cannot control people don't do this it doesn't matter where don't control people at work don't try to control people in your family don't try to control your kids or your parents uh-huh don't do that stop playing that game don't try to control your spouse or your girlfriend or your boyfriend when you try to control people when you try to manipulate them when you try to get them to do the things that you want them to do you're playing a losing game it's going to make you so stressed so frustrated because you're giving all of your power away all of your power is going away when you do that okay so here are some little solutions action items that you can do with regard to relationships first of all with family with family the solution is if you've got someone that's really bothering in your family focus on yourself focus on your own direction in life all right forget about forget about the family for a second focus on your own direction what are your own priorities your own values focus on that focus on what you want to create all right in intimate relationships what are some action items that you could take one is you can be more loving I mean that's the point of an intimate relationship if you can't do that then you should break up so these are the two items you're either going to make a choice between being more loving and accepting of that person or if you can't do that and you think that the relationship is just totally soured it's not healthy then break it off have the courage to break it off I know it can be tough have the courage to break it off because it's getting dysfunctional so one of the two and now with co-workers what can you do with coworkers again you've got two options here really one is to focus on your own direction stop paying attention to what they're doing stop paying attention to what they're telling you focus on what you know is right what you should be doing at work and just focus in on that right put your nose to the grindstone that's one option the other option is to to quit if you really find that you're a toxic work environment and your boss or an employee of yours or maybe even a bunch of people are colluding against you and you're having office politic problems and you keep getting embroiled in that all the time and it's causing a lot of stress for you I mean you got to be honest with yourself maybe it's the environment that you're in you you could be in a toxic company you could be in a toxic division you could be around toxic people and those people might not be healthy for you in the long run especially psychologically so get yourself out of that situation why are you staying there why you staying there all right so those are some of the action items that you can be taking with family intimate relationships and co-workers now I'm going to give you the mother of all solutions the absolute route of how to manage your stress ready for it we've already touched on it with the family it's grounding yourself in yourself this is what has to happen the reason your stress is because you're so worried about what's happening out in the external world you have to ground yourself back in to your own values your own principles that's why I talk about values identification it's so important having a life purpose is so important if you have a life purpose oh man it's really hard to get stressed it's very easy for example for me now to manage some of my stresses and I do have a lot of stresses but now that I'm very in touch with my life purpose I know exactly where I'm going you know if a stress is distracting me sometimes I will get distracted I might spend a whole day stressing about something but you know what the next day I'll reground myself because every day I bring myself back to my purpose I do this very consciously so I know that you know when something is distracting me maybe someone says something nasty to me or so they didn't go quite the way I wanted to in my business it doesn't matter because ultimately I'm looking 20 years down the road at what I'm doing with my life what I'm creating with my life I'm focusing on what I'm creating and people can tell me whatever they want they can dissuade me in whatever ways circumstance is going to come in people could come and you know steal my money or whatever and those could all be bad situations but still there's a calmness that I get from knowing that I have a direction and then I'm going to do whatever it takes to get to where I want to go I'm on a path I'm on a mission I'm on a hero's journey that's what you need to be on if you've got that in your life a lot of the stress is going to melt away for you it's going to be a lot easier for you to manage your stress and a lot of the other more advanced stress management techniques that I have will well kind of what they'll do is they'll kind of attached to this backbone right they give it as building a building this giant skeleton you have the backbone which is your your life purpose and then on to what you would attach these little other techniques and together you can create this very robust robust skeleton otherwise what you've got if you're just using a little technique here or there those techniques are not going to go with the route of it the route of it is that you're not a creator in your life and so you're letting other people come in there and and do whatever they want with you and you just kind of go along with the with the flow you're like a leaf blown in the wind and you blow in whatever direction wind blows that's not how you create a successful life gotta have a life purpose if you're interested in more about life purpose either hit me up for coaching that's my forte that's what I coach people on but also check out a lot of the other videos I have about life purpose that can give you some insights about how to figure that out for yourself so that's it that's how to manage your stress if you follow these principles then you will find your stress dropping significantly go ahead post me your comments down below I'd love to hear what you think please like this if you liked this video click the like button for me right now and of course share it as well post it on Facebook so your friends can see and then come check out actualized org because what we're doing there is I'm publishing a weekly newsletter you can sign up for free I release a weekly article videos other goodies that I have planned about how to start mastering your life from the inside out right not just from the outside everyone tell you about how to get the outside what I'm about is telling you how to get the inside dialed in so that you can get the outside that you want how do you create an extraordinary life where you've got your finances handled in your relationships and all that but then you've got the internals handled right you've got your stress levels at a manageable level your happiness levels are are high you're consistent you're stable you're grounded you know who you are you're very you're very confident who you are how do you build up those kinds of qualities what I've discovered is that that's a process that you have to go through is called personal development and the best way to do that is to baby step your way up it's not something that's fixed with one video 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